This morning didn't start slow, quiet, and reflective as usual. It was loud, joyful, busy, and full as my sons burst into the room. As they jumped into the bed, asking for hugs and laying on me while sharing all their thoughts and ideas, I realized my morning was going to be full, but great.
My body is healing from the past 19-months of treatments. I'm beginning to regain strength and stamina. I can go longer in a day without needing a nap. My breathing and heart rhythms are normalizing. The road through treatments and now into healing and recovery have been full, but great.
Dex and I are having a great time living, working, cooking, raising our boys and all around doing life as teammates. Helping him execute his visions while juggling his work schedule and our home life all the while enjoying each other's company has been full, but great.
At home, my children are busy toddlers, full of questions and energy. Taking care of them is a full time job alone. It's full, but great.
With work, I'm juggling two major projects amongst our regular recurring work. Making sure everything is moving and everyone has clear direction on where we are and where' we're going. It's full, but great.
Last year in my birthday blog, I shared about my rediscovered emphasis on giving. Reflecting back on the last year, I can honestly say we gave! And every single time, it was a joy. We plan to continue in that vein and that excites me.
As for this 38th year...if I were to describe where I am right now, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. My answer would be, "Weight. Wait. Great."
I'll try and break it down succinctly.
When you go through something as traumatic and life altering as an unexpected health diagnosis that could end your life, it does more than just change your perspective. It changes your entire being in every way you can imagine and more.
Not all of these changes are bad, but every one of them is weighty on levels I don't even know how to describe properly.
As I come out of the treatment phase and into the recovery and rebuilding phase of this journey, the weight doesn't feel any lighter.
People congratulate and celebrate with me finishing chemo and getting my port removed. We celebrate my hair growth and new curl pattern, but it's honestly hard for me to fully celebrate these things because of the weight I'm still navigating.
These weights have manifested in many ways of the last couple years:
Trouble driving to not driving at all
Not taking the boys anywhere by myself
Having anxiety attacks and experiencing side effects from the drugs I'm on ( it's hard to tell the difference since they manifest with similar symptoms)
Thinking negative thoughts about my future
Imagining me being gone and everyone I love moving on like nothing's changed
And there are TONS more I'm not about to take the time to type up because MOST of them are rooted in fear and the point of me even sharing these is to discuss what's up next for these unwelcome weights.
The weights are leaving. They've got to go because they are slowing me down and hindering my God-given freedom. They do not belong to me and I refuse to let them stay attached to me any longer.
This year, I pray and plan to find practical ways to release these weights. To live boldly and loudly again. To find the "me" I've always been and go hard after the visions, responsibilities, and relationships set before me.
I pray I steward it all well as I lay aside every weight set before me.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. — Hebrews 12:1-2
My next word is Wait. I have been in a sort of holding pattern on a lot of dreams, visions, and things I believe God is calling me to do, say, be, etc. I'm talking YEARS of just jotting things down here and there, praying on a thing, receiving confirmation on stuff.
Just years and years of waiting. The years haven't felt long because I've been busy and full doing what's in front of me. I'm honestly not even pressed to get to some of the things cause I honestly wouldn't be mad if they weren't things I was supposed to do.
I'm like "you can give this and this and this away to someone else if you'd like Jesus!"
At the same time, I know from experience in my life and proof in His word, that saying "yes" to Jesus will never lead to regrets so I'm a "yes" all day, even if I think He could've chosen somebody else for the job.
So I'll continue to wait, while also knowing the wait is about to be over for some of the things I've been patiently holding back on, with great joy and gladness cause ya'll it's enough happening over here already as far as I'm concerned!
For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. — 2 Corinthians 1:20
The last word I have is great. I don't have much to share on this one other than, I'm beginning to feel great again. I see greatness in my and my family's future. God is great!
And on top of all that, Thirty-eight rhymes with great! I mean I could make a whole corny theme about it:
Being great at thirty-eight! Lol
But seriously, greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4). His greatness in me will do exceedingly more above what I could even ask think or imagine so in the words of my friend, Tina Baker, I feel the need to end this year's post with a phrase she shares with the women at her church...
Thank ya'll for reading/celebrating with me today!
And Thank You Jesus for 38.
Check out my previous birthday posts: